Today is April 20, 2017. Here’s your Shallot news rundown for the week.
- After numerous reports of Fox News and its host Bill O’Reilly settling with women over sexual harassment allegations, FoxNews has decided to part ways with the once popular journalist. O’Reilly allegedly discovered he was ousted while recording his show The O’Reilly Factor. During his segment, “Pinhead or Patriot,” in which O’Reilly points out who he thinks is a disgrace or a hero, a picture of himself appeared on the screen with the word pinhead underneath. One source at the taping said, “O’Reilly was clearly beside himself and didn’t know how to react. He quickly fumbled over some words, and then went to his go-to line. ‘Remember folks, we’re fair and balanced. We report; you decide.'”
- In a close, landmark vote in Turkey, voters decided to grant its president Tayyip Erdogan unprecedented power. The vote overhauls the constitution and basically turns Turkey into a dictatorship. Following the vote, President Trump called to congratulate Erdogan, compare notes, and discuss coauthoring “The Art of the Political Deal: Deceiving an Uninformed Electorate.”
- In celebration of its late founder’s birthday, North Korea paraded its arsenal of missiles and military power, as is its annual tradition. Literally translated, the festival’s name means “In honor of our emperor with small hands.”
- As North Korea threatened another nuclear test, Vice President Pence traveled to South Korea, where he visited the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ)- a neutral strip of land separating North and South Korea. Sources say that while standing in the street of the DMZ, Pence performed the chicken dance while wearing a variety of masks he brings on his travels to lighten the mood, including masks of Richard Simmons, Marilyn Monroe, and Dennis Rodman.
- In response to North Korea’s threat to launch another nuclear missile test, President Trump said he was sending an armada towards the Korean Peninsula. While the NAVY posted pictures of the aircraft carrier Carl Vinson, it turns out that Carl Vinson was still thousands of miles away in the Indian Ocean. Asked why the President deceived the public about the fleet of military ships, a White House spokesperson said, “The president has shown that he is capable of changing course, whether that’s campaign promises, or promises in regards to conflicts of interests, or promises to overhaul healthcare. This is just another demonstration of his flexibility.”
- White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has come under criticism for a press conference last week where he claimed that Hitler did not use chemical weapons. On Monday, Spicer tried to deter further questions about the matter by announcing that he would be reading his new book at the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. The book entitled “The True Meaning of Easter” details the story of a magical bunny that lays chocolate eggs who is desperately trying to escape news reporters.
- Sources inside United Airlines say that the troubled airline is preparing to offer a new service for its BDSM-minded adult travelers. According to sources, in-flight service would include flight attendants dressed as police officers who would fulfill such fantasies as getting forcibly removed from your seat and dragged down the aisle. One source commented, “Given that United is still a popular airline, we think there’s a big market for this among our travelers.”
Disclaimer: While parts of these stories are true (as sad as that may be), this is satire.