The Shallot News Rundown – 3.9.17

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Today is March 9, 2017.  Here’s your Shallot news rundown for the week.

  1. President Trump says former President Barack Obama wire tapped him. Sources say that next week Trump will reveal that the evidence is definitely on Hilary Clinton’s deleted server in the same folder that has Obama’s African birth certificate.
  2. President Trump approved a new travel ban. Wondering if your country is on the list? Just ask, “Is there a Trump hotel in my country?” If yes, then welcome to the USA. Just follow the TSA agent wearing the latex gloves.
  3. Illegal border crossings are down significantly since Trump’s inauguration, proving that not even desperate people want to come here.
  4. The GOP introduced ObamacareLite, promising that if you hated your health care plan, you can keep hating your health care plan.
  5. The head of the EPA said that climate change is not caused by Carbon Dioxide, causing nerd Reddit to explode with alternative facts.
  6. I hope you liked the warm weather because a cloud of judgment has crossed the country bringing with it dangerously low temps or what the head of the EPA refers to as “definitive proof there’s no such thing as global warming.”
  7. Season 7 of Game of Thrones is coming. Spoiler alert- someone is going to get really naked and someone is going to die very graphically (it may or may not be the same person).
  8. Congressmen told Trump that deleting tweets is against the law. They also suggested that the remedy to not deleting tweets is just to stop tweeting altogether.
  9. Many are calling for a boycott of Beauty and the Beast for portraying the character LeFou as a homosexual. They feel it tarnishes the wholesome love story about a girl who finds herself with beastiality feelings for an animal under a spell of witchcraft.
  10. Despite the terrible insults Trump levied on Ted Cruz and his family, the two families had a pleasant dinner at the White House. As a gift, the Cruz’s brought Cards Against Humanity with the extended Donald Trump pack, which they all played after dinner. It was awkward.

Disclaimer: While parts of these stories are true (as sad as that may be), this is satire.

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