Today is March 30, 2017. Here’s your Shallot news rundown for the week.
- Congress is still trying to get to the bottom of Russia’s involvement in hacking the presidential election while uncovering the truth about the Obama administration’s alleged surveillance on Trump and his transition team. All of the drama has prompted NBC to announce a new reality show called “The Hill,” where cameras will have unfettered access to government offices. Producers are promising that it will be “more entertaining than CSPAN, darker than House of Cards, more reality than the Bachelor, more salacious than Sex in the City, and more over-the-top than Days of Our Lives.”
- 10 months after the Brexit vote, the U.K. officially sent its divorce papers to the European Union. Reports say that to save time, the leadership unsurfaced an old document from 1776 that began with “We the people…” References to other countries were whited out and replaced with “The United Kingdom.” Leaders of the Brexit movement were teary-eyed at the announcement, saying, “We’d like to dedicate this historic moment in honor of the late, British-American actress Elizabeth Taylor.”
- Despite Trump’s promise to repeal and replace Obamacare, he was unsuccessful in securing the necessary votes for Ryancare (a.k.a. Obamacare Lite), which promised Americans “a fast track to throwing off that pesky nuisance called health insurance.”
- Congress voted to repeal FCC rules which previously prohibited internet service providers from selling internet activity to third party companies without consent. A new crowdfunding effort aims to buy the internet history of those that voted for the bill. Warning: probably lots of midget porn.
- A new poll shows would-be border jumpers are not phased by Trump’s proposed wall along the southern border. In unrelated news, an unarmed man jumped the White House fence and roamed around for a reported 15 minutes “sunbathing and taking in the sights” before finally being approached by a Secret Service agent who said, “Can I help you?”
- A massive outbreak of amnesia seems to be affecting the GOP. The diagnosis came after Republicans became outraged at Democrats for not confirming the highly qualified Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court. Doctors confirmed that amnesia is the only explanation as to why they can’t recall blocking Obama’s Supreme Court appointment a year before he left his office. Various Republicans fired back at the doctors calling their reports “fake news.”
- CNN’s new hit show “Finding Jesus,” which airs on Sunday evenings, aims to present a journalistic approach to the Gospel. Explaining the show’s purpose, the director commented, “We really just wanted to create a show that presented an alternative to going to a Sunday evening church service.” But for those who think CNN is getting too preachy, not to worry, the network promises nothing new, or authoritative, and lots of speculation.”
- Bob Dylan has finally agreed to accept the Nobel Prize for literature. The famous musician was MIA after he was announced as the recipient of the esteemed Nobel Prize worth $900K. Trying to explain why it took 2 weeks to respond to the announcement, Dylan said that the award rendered him speechless… apparently for two weeks. Dylan’s comments quickly prompted the Nobel committee to discuss how they could award Donald Trump as soon as possible.
- In sports, this weekend’s Final Four showdown features No. 1 Gonzaga versus underdogs South Carolina. Meanwhile top seeded North Carolina will face off against Oregon. Despite being a number 3 seed, the Oregon coaching staff is confident they can pull out a win. Coach Dana Altman said, “They’re so used to those pretty Carolina blue uniforms. Our plan is to distract them with the most hideous color combination in all of college sports.”
- USA won the World Baseball Classic (i.e. baseball’s World Cup), after shutting out Puerto Rico in the final, which begs the question, “What do you mean America doesn’t win anymore?”
Disclaimer: While parts of these stories are true (as sad as that may be), this is satire.