Today is December 31, 2017. Here’s your Shallot news rundown for the week.
1. In light of Republicans passing the first major tax reform in 30 years, Democrats are anxious to use the unpopular plan to rally support from their base. “Make no mistake,” said one Democratic Senator, “this is a tax scam. Any time the government tries to give you more of your money, it’s a scam.”
2. According to a CNN poll, 55% of Americans disapprove of the GOP led tax reform. “This is a tax break for the wealthy,” said Washington resident Chad Nixon – one of the 45% of Americans who will continue paying no federal taxes in 2018.
3. While most Americans will benefit from the tax reform, many from high tax states like New Jersey fear their taxes will increase due to the decrease of state and local tax deductions. Between the high taxes and Governor Chris Christie’s insistence on closing bridges and beaches for his private enjoyment, analysts believe there will be twelve inhabitants of New Jersey by 2027.
4. The Alabama Board of Elections has certified Doug Jones’ win over Roy Moore, marking the first Alabama Democratic Senator in 25 years. Roy Moore, who has been accused of sexually assaulting teenage girls, called the results “Satan’s fiery darts,” and vowed to ride by horseback all the way to Washington D.C. to “take the crusade to the Supreme Court.” In unrelated news, Alabama State Police have issued an Amber alert for a blonde 16-year-old girl who was kidnapped by a white male in his late 60s/early 70s. Police say they were last seen headed north, riding a horse.
5. Last week, President Trump declared a mission accomplished on the war on Christmas. In unrelated news, GOP Senators issued a new bill to turn all Starbucks stores into oil digging locations.
6. The majority of countries in the UN passed a resolution criticizing the US for acknowledging Jerusalem as Israel’s capital. Many countries plan to retaliate by claiming Gary, Indiana as the U.S. Capital and moving their embassies there by 2020.
7. Apple has come under fire from consumers who claim that the latest iOS update drained their iPhone batteries. Apple has responded by offering similarly sized Samsung Note 7 batteries for free, saying, “This should take care of your old phone.”
8. In a tweet the other night, President Trump criticized the US Postal Service for charging Amazon very little to deliver its packages. A source inside North Korea say that when Dictator Kim Jong-un saw the tweet, he suggested eliminating North Korea’s unsuccessful and expensive missile program and “just send special packages through the much more reliable and cost-effective US Postal Service.”
9. The Winter Olympics are set to open in about a month in Pyeongchang, South Korea. NBC, which holds the broadcasting rights in the US, has promised around-the-clock Bob Costas commentary with very few commercial and sporting event interruptions.
10. As the world rings in the new year, many eyes will be on New York City’s celebration in Times Square where the temperatures will drop to 10 degrees with a wind chill below zero. The NYC’s mayor’s office issued a warning to those who dare come out to celebrate, saying “Not even Minnesota Senator Al Franken with a bottle of Viagra would chase a vulnerable woman in this cold.”
Disclaimer: While parts of these stories are true (as sad as that may be), this is satire.