Baltimore, MD. In an unprecedented announcement, the Baltimore Orioles’ mascot demanded on Saturday that he be traded. The announcement came shortly after the Orioles gave up two ninth inning runs to Oakland, blowing their one run lead, and extending their league-worse record to 1-11. “I’m so tired of losing,” the mascot said at the press conference, dressed in his full orange and black suit. “But what makes this even worse is that nobody’s coming to the games.”
Orioles attendance has been sparse since their home opener that drew in a record attendance of over 48,000 fans. Last week, only 9,129 fans showed up to cheer on the O’s. That was the smallest attendance since Camden Yards opened in 1992. “I was exhausted after that game. I had to run all over the stadium to entertain the small pockets of crowds. Usually, I make my way to certain heavy-traffic areas, but there hasn’t been much of that since opening day. I think the heaviest traffic that night was in the press box.”
The beloved Oriole bird has often engaged crowds with his eternal smile, lively dancing atop the dugouts, and taunting of the away team. When asked if he went on with his usual routine, he replied. “I tried. During the fifth inning I climbed up on the 1st base side dugout like usual, but when I looked out, I only saw like ten people. No one was cheering. Some people were reading or sleeping. I only heard the sound of my feet jumping on the dugout and some chatter by Carl Crawford in left field. It was pretty lame.”
The Bird also answered questions on how the management has responded to his demands. “I met with the front office yesterday, and they were pretty adamant about me staying on the team. They like my enthusiasm, and said that I’m probably the only one who would put on this thirty-pound suit and run around in Maryland heat and humidity trying to entertain a disheartened 10,000 fans spread out all over this large stadium.” Though there was dejection in the Bird’s voice, his facial expressions appeared rather peppy. “Mr. MacPhail did offer me the position of closer if I agreed to stay on. He also said with my size I could probably replace Tejada at third and Izturis at short and consolidate the two positions and give Mr. Angelos some extra spending money.”
The Bird also mentioned he was receiving counseling for a thirteen-year long battle with depression. “It’s been hard. I know I look like I’m happy, but often I’m just crying inside. It’s been especially difficult in the past couple of years when the team went with the ‘O’s’ emblem on the hats. I get lots of comments from people calling us the ‘zeros,’ but at least ten times a game, someone points out that our emblem is grammatically incorrect. If I hear another person tell me that the ‘Orioles shouldn’t use the apostrophe unless we’re possessing something besides a losing record,’ I’m going to go ballistic.”
When asked where he would like to be traded, the Bird suggested places of lower humidity and less mosquitoes and seemed to hint at indoor stadiums, “Really anywhere would be nice.” With suggestions that the Yankees would be adding a mascot to work their new stadium, the Bird was asked if New York was a possibility. “Are you kidding me? Every time the Yankees come to town, Camden Yards might as well be located in the Bronx. I can’t stand those people.”
While the Orioles’ front office has yet to comment on the trade demand, they did mention some proposed incentives to bring in more crowds to the ballpark. “We’re considering rotating the twenty-five man roster with some of our minor league teams. Think of it as a minor league exchange night,” commented one of the media relations interns, who wished to remain anonymous. “We’re also thinking about a ‘buy one ticket, get three free’ night.” Orioles attendance has decreased since reaching a high average of 45,816 per game in 1997. Last year’s single game average was 23,545 – a low the team hasn’t seen since 1988 when they drew an average of 20,630 per game, which was 50% the capacity of their former home – Memorial Stadium.
The team’s mascot was hatched out of a giant egg in Memorial Stadium on April 6, 1979. According to Orioles.com, his favorite foods are bird seed and Maryland Crab Cake.
This article is a parody and not to be taken seriously.